Know the Opponent: Miami Heat

Hey. So it's 1 in the morning and I can't fall asleep. Most of my good ideas (like the decision to start this blog) come during bouts of insomnia, and I think I just had a new one. Basically, I'm gonna pare down the game threads, which are mostly bullshit you already know, and add in this new feature. In the KTO, as it will be known, I'll dissect (figuratively) every player on the opposing team with some made-up facts and jokes. I guess I'm bored (as are you, probably) with stating the obvious in game previews, and would rather give you something nonsensical that you can't find elsewhere. This is the 200th post at Your NYK, by the way, so I guess it's a ripe time for a little change. I'm sure this new feature will evolve, expand, or disappear as time goes on. Let me know what you think. We'll see. Anyway, here goes nothing...

Meet the Miami Heat!

#30 Earl Barron- Earl used to play for the now-defunct Florida Flame of the NBDL. The franchise was shut down when they realized that their players were "Flamers".

#51 Michael Doleac- Michael shaves his head because he thinks it makes him look like Shaq.

#40 Udonis Haslem- After basketball, Udonis plans to start his own brand of mouthguards.

#6 Eddie Jones- Though he usually chooses not to, Eddie has the ability to teleport.

#24 Jason Kapono- The net of Jason's childhood basketball hoop housed a very large hornet's nest. Thus, he never ventured near the rim for fear of being stung. To this day, Jason maintains at least a 20 foot distance from all rims.

#33 Alonzo Mourning- Alonzo roars and flexes his muscles after succesfully defacating.

#32 Shaquille O'Neal- In elementary school, Shaq was actually a pair of twins. Shaquille and Elliuqahs were two slight, sickly children. Elliuqahs was resigned to his stature, and took up reading poetry for fun. Shaquille, however, dreamed of being a basketball star. One day in 1982, while Elliuqahs was sleeping, Shaquille ate him.

#20 Gary Payton- When not playing basketball, Gary walks on all fours.

#42 James Posey- James can fit a whole basketball in his mouth.

#11 Chris Quinn- Due to a clerical error, the ballboy roster was mixed up with the team roster and Chris received his first contract to play for the Heat.

#25 Wayne Simien- If Wayne were on a desert island, he could sustain himself for nearly 2 years by eating his own biceps.

#3 Dwyane Wade- Dwyane knows the names of only three other players on the Heat. He refers to the rest by number. Not by jersey number...just by any number he chooses.

#8 Antoine Walker- Antoine's famous "shimmy" celebration is a tribute to his best friend: Jello.

#55 Jason Williams- Jason's various tattoos are actually temporary. He just never bathes.

#1 Dorell Wright- Dorell is actually one of those made-up players in NBA Live drafts. Through some combination of voodoo and wizardry, he was spawned from a Playstation 2 in early 2004.

And those are your Miami Heat. The game thread will come (much) later.

EDIT: I just realized, I probably got this idea from InsideHoops.com's old free agent rankings, which used to be chock full of hilarious bogus information. Just mentioning that.


Anonymous said...

this is a great idea. you oughta do it for every team the knicks play, the next after the heat being....the celtics :). Lots to make fun of there.

Barnesgasm said...

I enjoyed this very much. If you can keep this up for 30 (like 15 left on our schedule) teams of 15 players, you will be my hero.

Seth said...

Appreciate it, guys. BarnesRodge...I think I can do it. The question is, when we meet a team again, do I do a new one or can I get away with repeating? I'll see if I've got it in me..