3/01/2007

Know the Opponent: Golden State Warriors


Meet the Warriors!

#7 Kelenna Azubuike- Kelenna moonlights as an OB/GYN.

#22 Matt Barnes- Matt is the prototypical human being. Every cell of his body is perfect, and everything he says and does is right. Matt is without flaw.

#15 Andris Biedrins- If Andris loves one thing, it's blocking shots. If he's loves two things, they're blocking shots and chain smoking.

#11 Zarko Cabarkapa- If Zarko were a foot shorter, he'd be in weird arthouse movies.

#5 Baron Davis- In what many experts consider one of the greatest upsets of all time, Baron revealed that his favorite Ninja Turtle is Leonardo.

#8 Monta Ellis- Monta patterns his game after President Calvin Coolidge, who was known for his extraordinary leaping ability, fluid jumper, and cool demeanor.

#31 Adonal Foyle- Someday, Adonal plans to retire from basketball and seek public office. His teammates are trying desperately to nominate him for the '07 elections.

#1 Stephen Jackson- Every time Stephen looks in the mirror, somewhere, a panda dies.

#33 Sarunas Jasikevicius- Sarunas' hairstyle is now very popular amongst Lithuanian teenagers, and is known as "Tąs Drącųla".

#26 Patrick O'Bryant- Last summer, Patrick went to a convention for people named "Patrick O'Bryant" and felt out of place.

#2 Mickael Pietrus- In another example of NBA players beating the odds, Mickael was born a mer-man. Doctors thought he would never be able to play basketball due to his fishy tail, but Mickael braved the odds to develop a pair of working legs. And, well, you know the rest of the story.

#21 Josh Powell- Josh was recruited by NC State for both basketball and gymnastics, but was forced to pick one of the two.

#23 Jason Richardson- Jason is legally blind, and uses sonar to locate defenders.

And those are your Golden State Warriors. Game thread cominatcha tomorrow.

4 comments:

Barnesgasm said...

Well done!
It appears you and I are among the last people on this green earth who consider an uncontrollable addiction to crack cocaine the mark of perfection.

Seth said...

Anything that fuels Matt's relentless intensity and freakish athleticism certainly qualifies as the instrument of perfection.
Anyone with sense knows that crack is Matt's muse.

The District Celtic said...

these never cease to amaze me!

The Bonafied Boy said...

adonal for president!!!